Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

I couldn`t get your words out of my mind. And you know

what? I decided you were dead right and John was right to

turn away from me. I lost him not because ofhis deficits but

because of mine—he had had enough of me. A few days

ago I picked up the phone, called him, and said these things

to him.»

«How`d he take it?»

«Very well—after he picked himself off the floor.

We ended up having a nice amiable talk: catching up,

discussing our courses, mutual students, talking about

doing some joint teaching. It was good. He told me I

sounded different.»

«That`s great news, Pam,” said Julius. «Letting go of

anger is major progress. I agree you`ve too much

attachment to your hates. I wish we could take an internal

snapshot of this letting–go process for future reference—to

see exactly how you did it.»

«It was all nonvolitional. I think your maxim—strike

when the iron is cold!—had something to do with it. My

feelings about John have cooled enough to step back and

permit rational thought.»

«And what about» asked Rebecca, «your attachment

to your Philip–hatred?»

«I think you`ve never appreciated the monstrous

nature of his actions to me.»

«Not true. I felt for you...Iached for you when you

first described it—an awful, awful experience. But fifteen

years? Usually things cool in fifteen years. What keepsthis

iron red–hot?»

«Last night—during a very light sleep—I was

thinking about my history with Philip and had this image of

reaching into my head and grabbing the entire awful cluster

of thoughts about him and smashing it on the floor. Then I

saw myself bending over, examining the fragments. I could

see his face, his seedy apartment, my soiled youth, my

disillusionment with academic life, I saw my lost friend

Molly—and as I looked at this heap of wreckage I knew

what had happened to me was just...just...unforgivable.»

«I remember Philip saying that unforgiving and

unforgivable were two different things,” said Stuart.

«Right, Philip?»

Philip nodded.

«Not sure I get that,” said Tony.

«Unforgivable,” said Philip, «keeps the responsibility

outside of oneself, whereas unforgiving places the

responsibility on one`s own refusal to forgive.»

Tony nodded. «The difference between taking the

responsibility for what you do or blaming it on someone

else?»

«Precisely,” said Philip, «and, as I`ve heard Julius

say, therapy begins when blame ends and responsibility

emerges.»

«Quoting Julius again, Philip, I like it,” said Tony.

«You make my words sound better than I do,” said

Julius. «And again I experience you drawing closer. I like

that.»

Philip smiled almost imperceptibly. When it was

clear he was not planning to respond further, Julius

addressed Pam: «Pam, what are you feeling?»

«To be honest, I`m floored by how hard everyone

struggles to see change in Philip. He picks his nose, and

everyone oohs and aahs. It`s a joke how his pompous and

trite remarks arouse such reverence.» Mimicking Philip,

she said in a singsong cadence, «Therapy begins when

blame ends and responsibility emerges.»Then, in a raised

voice: «And what aboutyour responsibility, Philip? Not a

goddamn word about it except some bullshit about all your

brain cells changing and therefore it wasn`t you who did

anything. No,you weren`t there.»

After an awkward silence, Rebecca said softly,

«Pam, I want to point out that youare able to forgive.

You`ve forgiven a lot of things. You said you forgave me

for my excursion into prostitution.»

«No victim there—except you,” responded Pam

quickly.

«And,” continued Rebecca, «we`ve all taken note of

how you forgave Julius, instantly, for his indiscretions. You

forgave him without knowing or inquiring whether some of

his friends were injured by his actions.»

Pam softened her voice. «His wife had just died. He

was in shock. Imagine losing someone you had loved since

high school. Give him a break.»

Bonnie pitched in, «You forgave Stuart for his sexual

adventure with a troubled lady and even forgave Gill for

withholding his alcoholism from us for so long. You`ve

done a lot of forgiving. Why not Philip?»

Pam shook her head. «It`s one thing to forgive

someone for an offense to someone else—quite another

thing when you`re the victim.»

The group listened sympathetically but nonetheless

continued. «And, Pam,” said Rebecca, «I forgive you for

trying to make John leave his two young children.»

«Me, too,” said Gill. «And I`ll eventually forgive you

for what you did with Tony here. How about you? Do you

forgive yourself for springing that ‘confession day` and

dumping him in public?—that was humiliating.»

«I`ve apologized publicly for not consulting with him

about the confession. I was guilty there of extreme

thoughtlessness.»

Gill persisted, «There`s something else, though: do

you forgive yourself for using Tony?»

«Using Tony?» said Pam. «IusedTony ? What are you

talking about?»

«Seems like your whole relationship was one thing—

and a far more important thing—to him than to you. Seems

like you weren`t relating so much to Tony but to others,

perhaps even to Philip,through Tony.»

«Oh, Stuart`s cockamamie idea—I`ve never bought

into that,” said Pam.

«Used?» interjected Tony. «You think I was used?

No complaints here about that—I`m up for being used like

that any time.»

«Come on, Tony,” said Rebecca, «stop playing

games. Stop thinking with your little head.»

«Little head?»

«Your cock!»

When Tony broke into a big lascivious smile,

Rebecca barked, «You bastard, you knew what I meant!

You just wanted to hear me talk dirty. Get serious, Tony,

we don`t have much time left here. You can`t really be

saying you weren`t affected by what happened with Pam.»

Tony stopped smiling, «Well, being suddenly

dumped felt...you know, thrown away. But I`m still

hoping.»

«Tony,” said Rebecca, «you`ve still got a lot of work

to do on relating to a woman. Quit begging—it`s

demeaning. I hear you saying they can use you in any

goddamned way they want because there`s only one thing

you want from them: to get laid. That`s belittling

yourself—and them too.»

«I didn`t think I was using Tony,” said Pam.

«Everything felt mutual to me. But, to be honest, at the time

I didn`t reflect much. I just acted on automatic pilot.»

«As did I, long ago. Automatic pilot,” Philip said

softly.

Pam was startled. She looked at Philip for a few

seconds and then gazed downward.

«I have a query for you,” said Philip.

When Pam did not look up, he added, «A query

foryou, Pam.»

Pam raised her head and faced him. Other members

exchanged glances.

«Twenty minutes ago you said ‘disillusionmentwith

academic life.` And yet a few weeks ago you said that

when you applied to grad school, you seriously considered

philosophy, even working on Schopenhauer. If that is so,

then I put this question to you:could I have been that

disastrous a teacher? ”

«Inever said you were a bad teacher,” replied Pam.

«You were one of the best teachers I`ve ever had.»

Astonished, Philip stared hard at her.

«Talk about what you`re feeling, Philip,” urged

Julius.

When Philip refused to answer, Julius said, «You

remember everything, every word, Pam says. I think she

matters a great deal to you.»

Philip remained silent.

Julius turned toward Pam. «I`m thinking about your

words—that Philip was one of the best teachers you ever

had. That must have compounded your sense of

disappointment and betrayal.»

«Amen. Thanks, Julius, you`re always there.»

Stuart repeated her words, «One of the best teachers

you ever had!I`m absolutely floored by that. I`m floored by

your saying something so...so generous, to Philip. That`s a

huge step.»

«Don`t make too much of it,” said Pam. «Julius hit

the nail on the head: if anything, his being a good teacher

made what he did even more egregious.»

Tony, taking to heart Gill`s comments about his

relationship with Pam, opened the next meeting by

addressing Pam directly. «This is...like awkward, but I

been holding something back. I want to say that I`m feeling

more bummed out about us than I`ve admitted. I haven`t

done anything wrong to you—you and I were...uh

together...mutual about the sex, and yet now I`m the

person non grata—”

«Personanon grata,” whispered Philip gently.

«Persona non grata.» Tony continued, «And I feel

I`m being punished. We`re not close anymore, and I guess I

miss that. It seems like we were once friends, then lovers,

and now...it`s like...in limbo...nothing...you avoid me.

And Gill`s right: getting dumped in public was humiliating

as hell. Right now I get nothing from you—not getting laid,

not being friends.»

«Oh Tony, I am so so sorry. I know. I made a

mistake—I—we—should never have done this. It`s

awkward for me, too.»

«So how about our going back to where we were

before?»

«Back to?»

«Just friends, that`s all. Just hanging out after the

group, like all the others do here, except for my buddy,

Philip, who`s coming around.» Tony reached over and gave

Philip`s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. «You know,

talking about the group, your telling me about books, all

that stuff.»

«That sounds adult,” answered Pam. «And...it would

be a first for me—usually after an affair I make a clean

tumultuous break.»

Bonnie volunteered, «I wonder, Pam, if you keep

your distance from Tony because you fear he will interpret

a friendly overture as a sexual invitation.»

«Yeah, exactly—there is that—that`s an important

part of it. Tony does get a bit single–minded.»

«Well,” said Gill, «there`s an obvious remedy: just

clear the air. Be straight with him. Ambiguity makes things

worse. Couple of weeks ago I heard you raise the

possibility that maybe the two of you can get together later

after the group ends—is that real or just a phony way of

softening the let–down? It just muddies the waters. Keeps

Tony hanging.»

«Yep, right on!» said Tony. «That statement a couple

weeks ago about our possibly continuing sometime in the

future was big for me. I`m trying to keep everything on an

even keel so I can keep that possibility open.»

«And,” said Julius, «in so doing, you forfeit the

opportunity of doing some work on yourself while this

group and I are still available to you.»

«You know, Tony,” said Rebecca, «getting laid is not

the most important thing, not theonly thing, in the world.»

«I know, I know, that`s why I`m bringing this up

today. Give me a break.»

After a short silence Julius said, «So, Tony, keep

working on this.»

Tony faced Pam. «Let`s do what Gill said—clear the

air—as adults. What do you want?»

«What I want is to go back to where we were before.

I want you to forgive me for embarrassing you by springing

the confession. You`re a dear man, Tony, and I care for

you. The other day I overheard my undergraduate students

using this new term,fuck–buddies —perhaps that`s what we

were and it was fun then but it`s a bad idea now or in the

future—the group takes precedence. Let`s concentrate on

working on our stuff.»

«Okay by me. I`m up for it.»

«So, Tony,” said Julius, «you`re liberated—you`re

now free to talk about all the thoughts you`ve been holding

back lately—about yourself, Pam, or the group.»

In the remaining meetings the liberated Tony returned to

his instrumental role in the group. He urged Pam to deal

with her feelings about Philip. When the potential

breakthrough following her praise of Philip as a teacher

never materialized, he pressed her to work harder on why

she kept her resentment of Philip red–hot yet could find

forgiveness for others in the group.

«I`ve already said,” Pam answered, «that obviously

it`s much easier to forgive others, like Rebecca, or Stuart,

or Gill, because I was not a personal victim of their offense.

My life wasn`t altered by what they did. But there`s more. I

can forgive others here because they`ve shown remorse

and, above all, because they`ve changed.

«I`ve changed. I do believe, now, it`s possible to

forgive the person but not the act. I think I might be

capable of forgiving a changed Philip.But he hasn`t

changed. You ask why I can forgive Julius—well, look at

him: he never stops giving. And, as I`m sure you`ve all

figured out, he`s been giving us a final gift of love: he`s

teaching us how to die. I knew the old Philip, and I can

attest he`s the same man you see sitting here. If anything,

he`s colder and more arrogant.»

After a short pause she added, «And an apology from

him wouldn`t hurt.»

«Philip, not changed?» said Tony. «I think you`re

seeing what you want to see. All those women he used to

chase—that`schanged.» Tony turned to Philip. «You

haven`t really spelled it out, but it`s different. Right?»

Philip nodded. «My life has been very different—I

have been with no woman in twelve years.»

«You don`t callthat change?» Tony asked Pam.

«Or reform?» said Gill.

Before Pam could respond, Philip interjected,

«Reform? No, that`s inaccurate. The idea ofreformation

played no role. Let me clarify: I have not changed my life,

or, as it`s been put here, my sex addiction, by virtue of

some moral resolution. I changed because my life was

agony—no longer bearable.»

«How did you take that final step? Was there a last–straw event?» asked Julius.

Philip hesitated as he considered whether to answer

Julius. Then he inhaled deeply and began, speaking

mechanically as though wound up with a key: «One night I

was driving home after a long orgy with an exceptionally

beautiful woman and thought that now, if ever in my life, I

had gotten all I wanted. I had had my surfeit. The aroma of

sexual juices in the car was overpowering. Everything

reeked of fetid flesh: the air, my hands, my hair, my

clothes, my breath. It was as though I had just bathed in a

tub of female musk. And then, on the horizon of my mind I

could spot it—desire was gathering strength, readying to